As a targeted parent, you may have experienced your children acting very differently to you in front of your ex (the alienator) than when the ex is not around. There seems to be a transition cycle where the children change their behavior around the visitation exchange times. This is what Dr. Petra Deeter calls the “freeze-thaw cycles of children of parental alienation”.
See her video explaining the phenomenon:
Here’s the phenomenon:
Children who are subjected to parental alienation are caught in the middle of a loyalty conflict. They are subtly manipulated or coerced by the alienator, often your ex, to treat you badly. The children are forced into a false belief that the time spent with you is unpleasant and that it is acceptable to be disrespectful to you.
As such, at the visitation exchange time, when you first get your children, they can tend to be cold, rude, disrespectful and maybe even abusive. As time goes on as the children spend more time with you, away from the control and pressure of the alienator, the children can start to be reminded of your love and start to experience again the joy of being with you. The children then come back to their normal authentic self who enjoy their time with you and are comfortable to show their love for you. As the exchange time approaches again for the children to go back to the alienator, they are again reminded of their sense of loyalty to the alienator. As such, they again shut down and become cold, rude, and distant.
It is very important for targeted parents to understand this phenomenon. You cannot take your children’s behaviors at transition time personally. The children are victims who are just trying to adapt to the circumstances to survive. Their behaviors are survival behavior and it is not about you. This is why it is important to not react to the children and to give them the time and space to cope.