by Christina Drennon
Below is a submission to the Hero Song Project, a campaign where musical artists who will pick from writings submitted by alienated parents and children to compose the music and perform the songs to bring public awareness of parental alienation.
Have you ever felt the pride and love swell in your chest while watching your child do something they love? Whether they’re playing football, cheering, playing an instrument, singing or anything else they love, as a parent, you just feel elated knowing that your child is doing something they love and the fact that you have a front row seat to watch is definitely something special.
Next to God, only you know your child, their thoughts and feelings as well as they do. Watching them perform, you see the slight movements on their face and know what they’re feeling. It may be nervousness to be in front of the crowd, pride and joy that they just nailed what they’ve been practicing so long to do, or just sheer enjoyment that they get to do something they love.
And occasionally, you get the opportunity to connect with them while they are performing (or shortly before/after). You see them scan the audience for you and as soon as your eyes connect-they give you a knowing look or smile. They’re sharing their joy of what they just accomplished-or are checking to see if you were worried by the tackle they just took and look for you to reassure you they’re ok.
There is such a connection between a parent and their child. It’s amazing and this gift of love is one of God’s greatest blessings.
After their performance is over, you can’t wait to go congratulate your child and make sure they know how proud you are of them. You just want to give them a big hug and make sure you let them know deep down how truly loved and special they are. This is the most important part of being a parent-to build your child up and make them know inside and out, deep down that they are truly loved, valued and special; and intended for greatness. God has a special plan for them. And you, as a parent, you are extremely blessed to have a front row backstage experience of their lives.
Have you ever been at one of these events watching your child and feeling the love and pride, then all of a sudden, reality hits and you are reminded that you’re no longer part of your child’s life?
You ARE the parent and you ARE blessed to love them, but you are sadly reminded that your child will not be looking for you on the field or stage. They are hoping that you will not be there. You will sadly not be able to give them a big hug and congratulate them afterwards. Your child has chosen not to have you in their life. As much as it hurts, you still watch them compete or perform.
You still feel the pride swell in your chest and the love in your heart. You still love them just as much as the day they were born, but the love is mixed with so much more. There’s an aching in your heart for the lost moments and the moments lost—yet to come. You hold your head up high and you smile when you catch them looking at you. You hold back the tears and try to just pretend in that moment you are a regular mom, who is there to cheer on her child, who will have a regular night afterwards-maybe cooking them dinner or helping them with their homework. And wishing that you could turn back time….to the days when your child thought you were special. The days when a kiss and hug from mom was all they needed to make everything better. They days when you tucked tem into bed and they begged you to stay and hold them a little longer, when bedtime was extended longer and longer, because you wanted to stay and hug them just as much as they wanted you to.
If you knew then that those days would end so abruptly, would you have done anything differently? I have been this mom—too many times to count. I’ve pretended to be just a regular mom while fighting back tears. I’ve been the mom who watches her child look at her and quickly look away, pretending like they didn’t see me, intentionally ignored. I’ve been the mom who has simply said “Hi” while passing by her child and was told something hateful like “You’re not my mom-you’re nobody! I don’t want you here.” I’ve been the mom watching her child walk across the field on senior night with his dad and step-mom, being announced as his “parents”, while I just watched from the stands as “nobody”.
I have been this mom for over 6 years. It does get a little easier somehow, over the years, but the sting never goes away. You expect to be ignored, you expect to be a nobody in the stands/audience. Some days are definitely worse than others. Some days you watch your child laughing with their friends and you feel happiness knowing that they are having a good time (or at least it appears that way). You are truly happy for them and pray for them to have a great life without you. You truly miss them, but all that really matters is your child. You just want them to be happy, well-adjusted and be close to God. You still pray to be reunited-if it’s God’s will-but you just pray for them to be happy. In watching your child do something as simple as talk to their friends, you are reminded that you don’t even know your child anymore. All of the missed moments hit you and sadness wells up in you. It’s not just the big moments, like birthdays, holidays and milestones like the 1st day of middle school, 1st dance, graduation, etc. You miss all of the normal every day experiences. You miss making them special lunches. You miss picking them up from school and talking about their day. You miss helping them with their homework, hugs goodnight, shopping trips, eating dinner together, going to church and so many other things that I used to take for granted.
I am this mom. I am the mom who’s only interaction with her children is watching them at their school performances. I go to every single event I can find out about. Some people think that this doesn’t make sense. Why would I intentionally do something that I know is going to hurt me? Why would I purposefully do something that I know is going to end with me in tears? Even if I attend their events as a nobody and will just be ignored, I still go. Why?
Because those are MY children. Nothing will ever change that. Whether they care if I am there or not, they are still just as loved as they were when they were with me. I still have just as much pride and love watching them do something they love. That never changes. I may not know them as I used to and I know I won’t have the connection, but I still love watching them.
I won’t lie-sometimes I do get my hopes up. I pray that maybe, just maybe, this will be the day that they might actually smile at me when they see me. Maybe they actually miss me as much as I miss them. These days are the hardest. I let my guard down and get my hopes up. When I am just ignored again, as usual, it really hurts. As a mom, I will always have that hope of reunion. I know things can never go back to the way they were-too much time has passed and I’ve missed too many important life-changing milestones. But I know that all things are possible with God. If it is God’s will, He can restore our relationships. Whether it happens in this life, or when we get to meet Jesus, I know my relationship with my children will be restored. I strongly believe in God’s plan for my life, and His plan for my children. He will make things right again one day.
I long for that day with every beat of my heart and fiber of my being!
So if you’ve never been the kind of parent that I’ve had to be the last 6 years, don’t ever take anything for granted. Cherish every moment you get to spend with your children. Love them, teach them and make sure they know how special they are and that you know how extremely blessed you are to have a front row, backstage pass to their lives. It is truly the most wonderful blessing from God.