Question:
It has been a nightmare. My husband’s ex is a toxic and manipulative person and my stepson who is 13 has turned into the same type of person. It’s like having a mini-me of her in the house when he is over. My husband doesn’t enjoy their time together anymore because of his behavior and is just on the verge of giving up.
Answer:
I understand what you are going through. It is rough having to deal with a teenager, let alone one that has been brainwashed by a toxic parent.
One thing that may help is for your husband to look at his son through a different lens: recognize that he is the biggest victim here. There is no way for him to know any difference. He was put in the middle of a loyalty conflict and his mother forced him to choose. He is hurting and he has to behave in a way that completely rejects your husband in order to obey his abusive mother. He is just trying to survive. Perhaps recognizing this could help your husband looking at his son with more compassion.
Another thing is to recognize that your husband doesn’t have to stay the victim. He’s not what his ex does to him, he can choose not to react. His son has been told lies about his father, that his father is a monster, that his father is not worth respect. Your husband can raise up and show to his son by actions who he is that is completely different than what the ex told his son about. For everything that his son does, be aware of what his son is anticipating to be the response from your husband, then your husband can do the opposite. That will put his son in a place of unexpected surprises, and it will start to make his son question the false narrative he has been spoon-fed with.
Dealing with parental alienation is never easy and it is not going to go away quickly. Don’t let your husband give up on his son because his son needs him, even when he behaves badly. The long-term consequences on his son can be very severe, but you and your husband can play a very important role in reversing that.
See our interview with psychotherapist Karen Woodall for more information: https://www.facebook.com/victimtohero/videos/372099037331265